Is Shame Reversible?

“How are you doing?”

“I’m great! How about you?”

“I’m doing great too!”

“Awesome!”

Here’s one of those dialogues each of us has nearly every day, sometimes multiple times per day….and it’s complete bullshit. Of course, we’re all phonies because only on occasion are we “doing great!”. What does it mean that life is only great on occasion? It means that we’re in the bell curve of normal. We know some people are struggling mightily with an illness or a tragedy that cannot be hidden. Conversely, sometimes we’re truly doing great because of a big win, a blessed event or a personal triumph, and we need not hide it…and yet sometimes even when things are good, we still do! We still reply, “great!”, but we don’t say why. We don’t want to upset the consistency of our b.s.

Why do we try so hard to keep up an image of not having any problems in life? We all struggle, and deep down, we know that others are struggling too. Most of us are so good at holding together the image of even-keeled-good-livin’, that we can be in deep despair, sadness, depression, trembling with anxiety and fear, and most of the people we encounter, work with, play with and even live with may not know it…or at least the depths of it.

We all know from experience, sweeping dirt under the carpet doesn’t make the house clean, it just makes it presentable. Leaky faucets get leakier. That sound the car’s making doesn’t go away on its own, it gets louder until the car convinces you to drive it to the mechanic. This is how we live and we haven’t done it to ourselves…we’ve done it to each other. We shamed each other into hiding.

In an article titled, “Why We Hide Our Emotional Pain”, author *Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., wrote, “…in reality, the major motives in hiding our emotions are…fear-based. We're just afraid to look weak or susceptible to others. Paradoxically, though, unashamedly disclosing our vulnerability can actually be a deliberate personal statement of both sensitivity and, yes, courage” (emphasis from original).

To be vulnerable is courageous?? Doesn’t always feel that way, does it. Many times, being vulnerable feels shameful. It feels bad…very bad. Unfortunately, we have learned that safe spaces to be vulnerable are scarce. Again, we haven’t done that to ourselves, we’ve done it to each other.

One of the most wonderful responses you can hear when you’ve come down with a big problem is, “it’s reversible!”. Good news folks; shame is reversible. Just like shame comes from others, so does acceptance, the antithesis and the antidote to shame. Want to change the world?...Change one person's world; Give the gift of acceptance to someone today.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash